


See How I Lost

by crazygirlne



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Mick dies instead of Leonard, Tumblr Prompt, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 05:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11776470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazygirlne/pseuds/crazygirlne
Summary: Leonard isn't able to swap places with Mick at the Oculus before it's too late, and he's the one left behind.





	See How I Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I’m supposed to be working on SIYE, but it’s a ridiculously and wonderfully fluffy chapter, and that just doesn’t fit my mood right now, but I had this prompt in my inbox from forever ago, which I clarified points about with the prompter off tumblr.
> 
> So I guess what I’m saying is “here, have some pain”?
> 
> There’s not a particularly happy ending here. There’s pain and working through grief, and there’s support while that happens, so it’s not all depressing, but please don’t expect my normal fluff.

 

As soon as Rip tells him Mick is staying at the Oculus, Leonard starts accepting the inevitable. He rushes in, knowing there’s no good outcome here, sparing just the smallest amount of his mind for gratitude that Sara is at his side despite everything. The rest of him is focused on minimizing casualties to their side while doing as much damage as possible to the Time Bastards.

He doesn’t decide to stay after Mick explains what he has to do; he’s already made the choice, already knows what’s coming.

Maybe that’s why it’s such a shock when it doesn’t come.

“My old friend, please forgive me.”

“For what?”

Leonard steps forward, ready to use his gun to knock Mick out so the other man will be safe. Instead, Mick dodges and, seemingly on instinct, lands a solid blow to Leonard’s temple. The last thing Leonard sees before he blacks out is regret on his friend’s face.

“Leonard!”

***

Sara’s voice is still echoing in his ears when he comes to, before he realizes the room is nearly silent. His head is pounding, and the even breathing at his side is completely at odds with the sounds of battle he’s expecting. He opens his eyes and sees it’s Sara beside him, her head bent and eyes closed, her body tight and contrasting with the steady breath.

Something’s wrong, and he knows what it is, but he can’t quite see it, can’t—

“Mick,” he croaks, and she looks at him, expression far too cautious. “Where is he?”

She takes a deep breath before she speaks. “Len—”

“No.” He tries to sit, but she presses a gentle hand to his chest, and it’s enough to stop him. “We can’t let him stay there.”

“It’s too late, Leonard.” Tears shine in her eyes, and it drives home the truth of her words.

He shakes his head, ignoring the spinning of the room. “No. We have to go back.” He tries to sit again, but she’s right there, stopping him. “I already left him behind once.” He needs her to understand. “I won’t do it again.”

“We can’t go back.” Her voice is tight, like she’s trying and failing to stay calm, but he doesn’t want to hear it. “The Oculus is gone. Mick died a hero, and there’s nothing we can do to change that now.”

“No,” he growls, forcing himself up and trying to stand.

The world spins faster and goes black once more.

***

Sara’s still by his side when he wakes again.

“Gideon says your head should feel better now,” she says mildly.

He stays quiet, tensing when she reaches out. She doesn’t touch him, and after a moment, he realizes she’s trying to hand him something. He opens his palm, and she drops a ring in it, careful not to make contact, then moves back to her own space.

_Alexa_

“I found it,” she says, quiet, “when I was picking you up off the ground.”

Leonard closes his hand over the cool metal. “I was going to give it to Mick.”

“I know.” She isn’t quite looking at him, and it’s okay, because he’s doing the same.

“It was supposed to be me.” It’s not much more than a whisper, but she shakes her head.

“He made his choice.”

“So did I!” It comes out harsher than he intends, and she blinks, almost a flinch from her, but he can’t bring himself to care. “I was going to take his place. You should’ve let me take his place!”

“How?” she asks, eyes bright again. “You were unconscious, you weren’t about to take his place. And before you ask why I didn’t save him, I’d have had to knock him out to get him away from that thing, and then all three of us would’ve died. Is that what you want?”

He doesn’t bother answering.

She stays anyway.

***

“You knew.”

Sara’s still at his side when he gets a chance to confront Rip.

“Mr. Snart, I—”

“You knew when you took Ray out of there that Mick was gonna die, and you didn’t care because he was just disposable, just like he’s always been.” Leonard doesn’t pull away when Sara touches his arm gently, not reproving, just… there. “You never cared what happened to any of us, not as long as you got your way, but especially not Mick,” he bites out.

“You’re right.” Rip sounds equal measures exhausted and angry. “You’re right, but what choice did I have? Do you really think I could’ve taken Mr. Rory in a fight? You yourself weren’t able to.”

“Let me go back and try again.”

Sara stills at his words, but she doesn’t let go.

“I wish that I could.” The captain sounds even more resigned now.

“What’s so hard about it?” Leonard asks, angry. “We’re on a _time ship._ What good is a time ship if we can’t change anything? I thought that’s what destroying the Oculus was supposed to fix. What was the point if we still can’t change anything?”

“Believe me, Mr. Snart,” Rip says, and there’s a bit of fight in his voice now, “if there were a way to fix it, I would. Despite everything, some moments in time simply cannot be changed without making everything worse. Interfering with the Oculus explosion at this point could destroy the very fabric of reality.” It’s quiet for a moment, Leonard internally scrambling for an argument that could work, a plan that might succeed, before Rip continues, calmer. “I didn’t care enough about Mr. Rory at first. About any of you, really. But you have to know that’s changed. You have to know I’d trade my life for any of yours now, if only it were possible.”

Leonard growls and walks away.

***

Sara finds him in his room.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says.

“That’s fine.” She sits at the end of his bed and starts dealing cards. They play in silence until the silence is too much.

“I don’t have many people,” he says without looking away from his cards. “Mick is… He was my partner.”

“He was your friend,” she corrects. He doesn’t argue.

“I’ve lost people before. I know better than to get close.”

They finish the game. Leonard wins, but it doesn’t feel like a victory.

“I’d like to be alone,” he says.

She looks at him, measuring his sincerity, and leaves him to his thoughts.

***

He’s still alone in his room when Sara finds out her sister has died.

***

He’s not sure whose idea it is to bring her to his room after she’s been knocked out, after trying to confront Rip. She’s in his bed, though, and he sits at her side. Maybe he can’t do much, but he can at least return this favor.

Unlike when he awoke, he can tell Sara knows what’s happened before she even opens her eyes. She finds his.

“My sister’s dead.” Her voice is empty, and she looks up at the ceiling.

“I know.” He won’t say he’s sorry, any more than she did after Mick; it’s said too often and isn’t nearly enough, and he hadn’t realized how much he appreciates it until just now.

“It hurts,” she says, her voice cracking, and he bends his head, closing his eyes.

“I know.”

He’s by her side until she’s ready to leave.

***

He’s not sure which of them gets more satisfaction from killing Vandal Savage. It might even be the Hawks.

***

She waits outside Saints and Sinners while he says goodbye to Mick. The man looks at him like he’s lost his mind when Leonard calls him a hero.

Hell, it’s probably true.

Outside, Sara smiles at him, shadows in her eyes.

“You alright?” she asks.

“Not yet,” he answers. “What about you?”

“Not yet,” she echoes. “Let’s go find some ass to kick or something to steal. I’m really not picky tonight.”

He’s not sure which of them is sticking by the other anymore, really, only that the end result is neither of them is alone.

***

“Sometimes I forget,” she says after more time has passed, and she’s in his bed again, both of them under the covers. “I forget she’s gone, and when I remember, it’s like losing her all over again.”

“Like part of you is missing.” Light reflects off his silver ring as he traces an absent line across her knuckles, as he feels the ache of losing one of the only friends he’s ever had. It hasn’t faded, but it’s become a part of him, a scar he catches sight of with some regularity.

“Yeah.” Sara lets her head rest against his shoulder.

They’re battered but never broken, hurt but alive. He thinks they’d probably both still trade places with the ones they love, would sacrifice to save them.

In lieu of that, though, at least they aren’t alone.


End file.
